365

It’s been 365 days since you left. It doesn’t feel real, but I suppose when someone’s physical being disappears from this world, someone you used to talk to nearly everyday, someone you cared about immensely, how can the idea of them no longer being here ever feel real? 

This is the first time I’m writing about this and yet, it still feels as fresh as it did 365 days ago. 

I never wrote anything back then or since then, because I didn’t feel like I had a right to. But then I realised that regardless of how close we were, regardless of anyone else knowing anything about our relationship at all, I owe it to myself to talk about you. 

I remember in school, always having the biggest crush on you. You and your friends all hung around at the back of the oval and my best friends older sister was friends with you, so my bestfriend and I would hang around like the biggest groupies. It was so pathetic. But you never told us to leave you alone or even acted like our presence was an annoyance.

Cut to a few years later, I had finished school and what started out as a few innocent Facebook messages between each other, ended in hanging out and getting to know each other. I remember, even then, being 19 and still super excited that one of the ‘cool older guys’ from school was taking an interest in me. We were friends and sometimes we were more. We kissed and argued and joked and talked. And then you moved. 

But even moving interstate, we still spoke often and made plans for me to come there. Then, you went quite for a while and I just figured that the distance had made you cool off. A few weeks later you told me that you had been diagnosed with Leukemia. 

You were so strong and I remember you telling me, it’s early stages and very treatable. I was convinced you were going to be okay. 

I remember the last time you came to Sydney and we went to lunch. I remember hugging you so tightly before you left and not wanting you to leave. I remember going inside my house after you left and crying because I wanted to be with you. I remember talking my housemates ear off for the rest of the night about how we could make this work.

For the next few months, we spoke pretty much every day. I was making plans to come and see you. You mentioned me moving there. I considered it. 

Then one day, you told me you were back in hospital. You told me it was just a few check-ups, you’d be alright. 

Days turned to weeks. You were still in hospital. And I was ignorant. I believed you were going to be okay. I believed there was no other choice. 

Then, around this time a year ago, you told me you were coming to Sydney. I was so excited. We made plans to go and get burgers and hang out and just see each other. 

You told me you were coming during the week, and that was on a Sunday. I never heard from you again. 

During the week, I had messaged you, asking when you were going to be here & got no reply. I didn’t know things had gotten bad again. 

I remember, 365 days ago, being on my lunch break and checking your Facebook page. I remember seeing one person, write on your wall, telling you to rest in peace. I remember my vision blurring.

Words can’t describe how much I miss you. When you were here, all I wanted was for you to be in Sydney, but now, I’d kill for the distance if it meant you were still here. 

I’ve never written about this, posted about it on social media, anything. I used to think that because I wasn’t in your immediate group of friends, and people weren’t really aware how close we were, that I didn’t have any right to express my grief. 

I’ve realised that it’s never been about other people. It’s about the effect you had on my life. 

As I’m writing this, wrapping up this post, unable to find any more words, listening to music on shuffle, Want You Bad by The Offspring came on. I immediately know it’s you. This song will always remind me of you. 

You will always be in my heart, Baberaham Lincoln. I miss you completely, unexplainably. 

And I’m lost, behind the words I’ll never find. 

Woah, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything. Like, two years long. A lot can happen in two years & I guess, I’ll get to what did happen when I can. But at the moment I need to talk about something recent that happened.

Every now & then, an event happens in your universe & it hurts you in ways you didn’t see coming.

Celebrities, Musicians, Actors… none of them are known personally by many of their fans, but they help people know themselves, so the loss of these people can be life altering & all consuming.

In case you’ve stumbled randomly upon this post & know nothing about me, or my preference for music, I am, of course talking about the devastating loss of Chris Cornell.

My heart aches for his wife, his children, his friends & family. My heart aches for him. My heart aches for music. My heart just aches. I’ve been an avid Soundgarden fan since I was 2 years old. I know that sounds like a overexaggeration, but believe me, it’s not.

My mum & dad split up when I was two & for a few years there, it was just me & mum. She was only a 24 year old, smack bang in the 90s, going through her grunge phase (a phase that lasted well into my Tweens, thus engrained in my make-up forever)… My favourite memories are of her & I loading into her beaten up, brown Holden Commodore and just driving. Never with a destination, never with a place in mind. We just drove. I think partly because mums only cassette player was in the car, but also because it was our place, wherever it was we went, it was our bubble.

So many memories, Soundgarden blasting through the speakers, the Singles soundtrack, Temple of the Dog. Chris’s melodic, incredible range, forever associated with a certain time in my life.

I grew up continuing to listen to Soundgarden/Audioslave/Temple of the Dog. And it took me to another era. I wanted to be in Seattle. I wanted to live in the 90s. I wanted to be running around while Eddie Vedder & Chris Cornell fought over me. Ha.

Chris’s music, took me from any problems I had growing up, to a better place.

I have never been this affected by a musicians death, and as I sit here, typing this, tears in my eyes & Seasons on repeat, I think of all the people whose lives he touched. How lucky we all were to live to see one of the greatest voices in rock and roll.

My heart is broken for so many things, but I am so grateful to have experienced a world where Chris Cornell was alive.

Ruined.

As I begin a new book this morning, after finishing one last night, I’ve made a terrible discovery.

Books have ruined me. 

I won’t lie and act like I read nothing but Pulitzer Prize winners, because I’ll be the first to admit I’m far from a book snob and very much like to indulge in the guilty pleasure of romance novels – although, I will say, Mills and Boons? No, thanks!

I’m not sure what it is about reading romance novels that I enjoy so much. Possibly the idea that the characters can be whoever I imagine them to be (and I won’t lie, I usually just end up imagining the love interest as being myself and whichever celebrity I’m currently crushing on.) or, it could be that it’s so much easier to immerse myself into a book, my own little world, than watch a movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge movie buff also, but when it comes to my romance novels, not much tops them.

However, after having an hour, thinking to myself this morning, I’ve realised that books have completely and utterly destroyed me. Ruined.

I am caught up in towns I’ve never been to, in love with people who don’t exist. I read these books and pretend that this kind of romance is real and that it happens to everyone, including myself.

I’ve been holding out for this electric, all-consuming, animalistic love that I feel like, just doesn’t exist. Sure, you meet people and they have an affect on you that you may not have felt before, you even fall in love, but it’s not the kind of love you read about.

Am I crazy for thinking that, for some pitiful reason, this was the kind of love I was destined for?

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t exactly picturing “The Perfect Man” because, that would be crazy. The perfect man is most definitely a figment of our imaginations.

No, the man I’ve been picturing is a broody, sensitive type with a heart of gold and a sense of humour. Someone who might’ve been a little rough around the edges, but all in all, a good guy. Sure, all those traits exist in people, so it’s not ridiculous for me to sought after that in a partner.

But the kind of love I’m seeking, I feel like it doesn’t exist. And you’ll have people who think exists, but it’s still not the kind of crazy, fateful love that you read about. The “can’t breathe, can’t think straight, nothing else in my world matters but you” kind of love.

Maybe, the key is to give yourself that kind of love. To think of yourself as this amazing person who means everything to you. If you give yourself that kind of love, maybe when you finally meet someone that you fall in love with, while it won’t be like it is in the books, it’ll be just as good and just as special.

Wow. Reading back on this, I sound delusional. But anyways, these are just my overall thoughts for the day!

Until my next random train of thought!

T x

The Glamour of Grammar.

Yes, I know. It’s been a long time. I’ve been caught up with the obstacles of my pathetic life.

In other, more exciting news, I just enrolled in an online writing course, something to pass the time for the next 3 months, as work is dead and my brain is also slowly dying along with it.

So, I signed up for this course – “Write 101 – English Grammar & Style” which basically teaches you grammar (which, up until today, I thought I was pretty great at) and the different styles of writing.

After making the decision that next year, I’ll go to uni to study education and a Bachelor of Arts in English, to become an English Teacher when I grow up, I thought that a course like this, wasn’t a bad idea.

I’ve been told by friends and family constantly that I have a way with words and am quite talented when it comes to writing (not tooting my own horn or anything) but after trying to complete the first assessment for this course, it’s come to my attention that perhaps people are just telling me what they think I want to hear, rather than the truth. Yikes.

Anyways, I guess this course will help me in improving my writing skills and neatening (is that even a word?! SEE!) up my posts.

Wish me luck! I haven’t “studied” in years!

T x

And another one bites the dust.

I have accepted my fate.

I shall remain single for life, as I seem to only attract assholes & it’s starting to affect my view on most males.

A few weeks ago, after sucking up my pride and guzzling down some wine, I thought “I’ll give OKcupid another go!” – BIG MISTAKE, HUGE!

After weeding out a few obvious “bad boys” that weren’t for me, I was approached by a cute guy, let’s call him “The Ass”, same music tastes & we seemed to hit it off quite a lot. He was very sweet, quite flirty & down to earth… Or so I thought.

After a massive weekend of packing and cleaning to move houses (worst job in the world, by the way!) I had treated myself to tickets to a pub gig to see a band with a girl friend. After speaking with “The Ass”, because for the past 3 weeks, we’ve been speaking every day via text, I mention that I’m going to see this band & that he should come along! He seemed keen, but soon after told me he couldn’t make it because he completely forgot that he had tickets to go to some stand-up show with “the boys” – no worries.

I’m a female. I am curious about who I am speaking with. I am also bat-shit crazy and can find information on people with just a picture and their first name. So, naturally, I did some Facebook stalking! It’s amazing what you can find out… I don’t think there was anything wrong with me searching him on Facebook, I mean, he was basically trying to “sext” me, so why wouldn’t I want to add him on Facebook!

What I found, was that “The Ass” wasn’t with “the boys” on Saturday – he was with a girl… Nothing too suss there, I’m not the “jealous” type, especially with people I barely know. However, this wasn’t just any girl, this was his girlFRIEND. Yes. He is in a relationship, has not mentioned this to me at all, has an online dating profile that says he is very much single and is basically a piece of shit.

I’m shocked and angry. I didn’t think people actually did that. Of course, you’re aware of all the stories & you always hear of cheating, but never did I think someone would be so stupid as to do it so openly. It’s pathetic.

Now, I’m in a weird position. Do I cut off all contact with him completely, no looking back? Do I confront him? Do I tell his girlfriend? Do I try and catch him out?! So many possibilities! One thing is for sure though, drunken me was very, very wrong for thinking I’d find ANYONE decent on online dating.

I’m thinking about adopting all kinds of animals, getting an abudance of wine delivered weekly and never leaving the comfort of my bed & netflix ever again.

#allthesingleladies

Back to the drawing board!

T x

The funk, the whole funk and nothing but the funk.

There is only one word to describe me of late – hermit. I have been spending all my time either working & day-dreaming my day away or slothing around at home and eating the entire contents of my house.

I consistently tell myself that “staying in” is my weekend preference these days, but if I’m being completely honest here, it’s not making me feel good in any way, shape or form.

I’m constantly tired, even though I’m doing nothing at all & all of the junk food/alcohol/cigarette consumption is just making things worse.

I am in a funk. 

The past two days, I have felt completely useless and miserable. Mum has moved away, further than before and I’ve taken it harder than I would of thought I would. I mean, sure, I can still see her whenever I want, but there is no longer a “room” that is mine in her house anymore – I feel separated from my family for the first time in my life, and as much as I’d like to say “Oh, I’m a big girl now & it doesn’t bother me in the slightest!” the sad reality is that I spent majority of my Sunday morning in tears because, and I quote myself here, “I miss my mummy”.

My housemates and I are moving houses within the next few weeks, into a brand new house & instead of being excited, I am seriously using it as a procrastination tool – “Oh, I’ll start my diet/exercise/positive lifestyle when we move, fresh start and all”

What is wrong with me!? 

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I’m tired of this little pity party I seem to continually throw for myself. I don’t want the invite anymore! I feel like I’ve dug myself so deep, and yesterday (Sunday) was such a bad day for me that I binge ate everything, cried because I felt fat & then smoked about a million cigarettes in the space of 5 hours. How many more times do I have to fall until I can just stay standing?

I have no drive to do anything – The thought of a relationship disgusts me. The thought of going out annoys me. The thought of talking to people bores me.

I have decided, at 3am on a Tuesday morning, that this must stop NOW.

I refuse to be the girl that is pitied for being miserable for no good reason. There are people in this world who would kill to have my bad days.

I’m doing overnight shifts at work for the next week, I know right *vomit*, however, tomorrow/this morning is a new day. My life is going to be as good as I make it, and after a much needed sleep once I get home, I am going to start my day with as much positivity as my cynical mind can produce. Hey, it’s a start.

Is there anything anyone else does to help them get out of these “funks” – because I’d love to try anything at this point. Fix the problem, not put a band-aid over it, I say!

Here’s to hoping the only funk I’ll be in from now on is the Uptown kind.

T x

Meat Free Week 2015

I am a huge animal lover. But, in saying that, I am also a huge meat-eater. It’s sometimes hard to stomach when I think about all the animals that are inhumanely slaughtered to provide us with food. Usually, I just prefer to remain blissfully ignorant (something I’m not overly proud of), however, I’ve decided to go Meat Free from the 23rd of March to the 29th of March (and who knows, if it’s easier than I think, I might make it a more permanent diet in my lifestyle). I know, if I was truly passionate about it, I should do it without even thinking, but when you’ve lived on a meaty diet your whole life, it’s not as easy as it sounds. I need the protein!

My Meat-Free Week will hopefully raise some money for some very worthy charities.

Bowel Cancer Australia – Bowel cancer is the second biggest cancer killer of Australians, after lung cancer. Bowel Cancer Australia’s vision is to reduce incidence, death and suffering associated with bowel cancer through advocacy, awareness, education, support and research.

Voiceless, The Animal Protection Institute – Voiceless, the animal protection institute (Voiceless Limited) is an independent, non-profit think tank focused on raising awareness of animals suffering in factory farms across Australia.

World Land Trust – World Land Trust (WLT) is an international conservation charity that protects the world’s most biologically important and threatened habitats acre by acre.

So, I’d love it if you could spare a few dollars and sponsor me. It’s really simple, click on the link below and you can make a secure online donation via Card or PayPal.  Every little bit helps me work towards achieving (and hopefully exceeding) my goal.

Please sponsor me by clicking Here

Want to learn more about what Meat Free Week Australia 2015 is all about, or maybe participate yourself, check it out at http://www.meatfreeweek.org

Somebody, please, think of the goats!

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T x